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making-sweetnessFriday, June 19, 2015

好朋友只是朋友 还是朋友 不能够占有
好朋友疯狂以后 就一个人走 无所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一点点温柔
我知道什么时候回头 不打扰你的自由

waow
it's been 2 whole years
what have I achieved these 2 years?
idk.. knowledge? self-discipline? my own voice?
no nothing
I went one whole big round to become the same person that I was 3 years ago
the same stupid me with zero self discipline and a voice that I can't even hear myself sometimes

idk
I thought it was over
I was so confident it was over
but why did I have to send that happy birthday text
how did I manage to drown myself so much in self denial that I can forget about everything and believe that it'll be okay
because nothing is okay
I thought it was just familiarity
I thought it was just being comfortable
but it's more than that

and now I finally realised what happened 3 years ago
why didn't I try harder
why did I let him go
my life is like a fucking ironic drama
timing is a bitch and she's just laughing so hard at me right now
I know

I've asked all I wanted to know
but did I really want to hear the answers
it's just making me feel more terrible
all the missed opportunities, forgone chances, and wasted efforts
it's making me feel like I just wasted 3 years of my life achieving nothing
now that I know the answers
what can I do about it
nothing
because nothing's the same anymore
everything has changed

oh wait not everything
I'm still as stupid
still unable to control what happens
still letting the temptation get the better of me
why can't I just give it up
a straight and strong no
no no no no no no no no no no
a million times
but the heart
the damned heart
it's always a yes for the fucking heart
and he knows
and he uses it against me

I couldn't help it
I'd let my feelings win
again
and he won
again

they say I think too much
well I stopped thinking
I stopped thinking of how much I'll regret it
I lived in the moment
and you know what that brings you?
not some YOLO fun
just misery
pure misery and I feel just like death
it's creeping up on me bit by bit eating at my soul, my thoughts, my entirety

how can you not think
it was just wrong
there was no right in anything that I did
and I should be ashamed
thoroughly disappointed at myself

fuck this

12:53 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessTuesday, June 25, 2013

17april
so I left 
since you implied that you didn't need me 
you said I don't have to know 
you said there's nothing left 
so I left 
and leaving took quite a bit of me away 
leaving me with an empty shell with nothing to hold on to 
why
there's no why, it just is

I have no idea where we're headed but I do know that we can't be what we used to be 
that would never happen 
I can't go on being best friends without the need to be in your life anymore 
since you decided you don't need me then well I respect your choice 
it wasn't a sudden decision 
been accumulated all this while, just didn't have the courage to leave completely, without anything left behind
I don't want to have a reason to go back 

6june
and yes it's more than that 
it's hate now 
I don't know how but I finally realized I must stop creating excuses for you
I must love myself more than I love you 
I must protect myself from you 
and that's when I saw it 
I saw how you manipulated me
how you broke me
do you know how.. broken I was? 
do you know what you made me go through? 
it was the worse that could have ever happened
I hate you. 
there I said it 
realized how dumb I was to think that it was okay 
so I don't want anything, nothing, to do with you
please just disappear from my life 
it'll be better without you 

24june
I can't help it 
I do miss you 
but there's nothing I can do about it 
since you didn't want me to participate in your life, then there's no point holding on 
I left on my own accord yes 
but you didn't stop me either 

I don't know why I'm still harping on it 
why the sudden throwback 

1:40 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessMonday, December 10, 2012

the talk really made me realise so much that I didn't before...
and I cried so badly cause it's all because of me
it's been very long since I cried this badly in front of anyone....
I realised we keep quarreling cause I expected too much of him....
like even though we are best friends, cause i really cannot get over him....
I had the expectation that he would treat me better
but he treated me the same as before
and cause I expected too much so I thought he treated me worse then I'll get pissed and annoyed and there's where all the quarrels start
I think I have to really stop talking to him for awhile to get over it...
if not I'll just keep living in a lie I created for myself..
it's like living in self denial forever
I couldn't even get myself to suggest it cause it hurts so much...
it hurts to know that I can very very very possibly just lose him like that
and then I keep crying... cause the thought of losing him is really overwhelming
but I can't go on talking to him everyday like it doesn't affect me at all
and if I don't do it now, I'll be stuck in that position forever...
the position where even though my head knows we're not together but my heart still secretly hopes
it's a fight: head vs heart
I really am already listening to my head but my heart is hurting real bad
I just really really really want to stop the heart....
I really need a timeout ..... just enough for me to get things sorted out cause I evidently didn't before and I thought it was fine until today..
since I'm letting go, it should be complete in case it gets sparked off again
even though I think it still would nonetheless, the month will really help I guess

1:45 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessThursday, September 6, 2012

I can't do this anymore. he just treats me like I'll always be there and he expects me to never ever leave. but I really can't act like there isnt still this small part of me that can't let go. I've been telling myself that it's not possible alr. I fucking hate myself man. I just can't love myself enough to know that he doesn't love me at all. I keep letting myself fall into these kinds of situation. it's never gonna help. I just wanna forget everything and start over. I don't even know what came over me that day to go to him. dumbest and most retarded decision I've ever made in my entire life. why can't I just learn to love myself more??

6:47 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessWednesday, September 5, 2012

idk why I'm still holding on..
I'm supposed to give up by now but you're not making this any easier for me yknow
to act like nothing happened and still be the same like how we were, or even closer
it's not helping me give you up or letting you go
it's just gonna make me realise what we could've been...
I already know its not possible but deep down, I still have this glimmer of hope and yes.. 我真的放不下..
I've been saying I'm giving up cause there's no point holding on anymore but why do I still have the feeling I'm still hoping for something at the end of the day?
stick to what you want girl
you have to..

11:30 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSunday, August 26, 2012

that's it then huh?
after all these times
thinking of how why what
it's just gonna end like that
It just hurts cause I know we both feel the same but he doesn't even wanna try
I give up
I've tried my best but the results are the same
I really wanna just throw everything away
I'm fucking dumb to even think it was possible
I really give up
this time for real
cause there's nothing holding me back anymore
2608 what a nice number
never gonna happen

2:11 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSunday, August 12, 2012

I don't know why exactly I'm doing this to myself
I don't know what sparked it off
but I just feel so fucked up rn and I can't stop...
it's always at an hour like this when it happens
I can't stop it
neither do I wanna stop
just need to let everything flow out with the tears
all the bad things
the worst part of it all is actually because I have no idea why I'm doing this...
probably stress.. but what stress do I get??
probably tired... but I didn't fucking accomplish anything
probably just accumulated.. from what???
trying my best to think it's not cause of that
cause Idwanna be overly attached
don't wanna be so affected by every little thing
there's just no end to it
it's self delusional but who cares
it helps

12:53 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessThursday, July 19, 2012

this is so not me..
I don't usually give in
I don't say sorry
I don't acknowledge
I fight back
but when you meet someone who has the same mindset/attitude/behavior as you, you would learn to treat them how you wanna be treated
and if it's just any normal friend, I would just leave it and wait till it's over
but this time round, it's something I treasure and I don't wanna give it up
yup I did try but when it didn't work, I'm supposed to try harder
cause I made a promise
although it's a mutual one and it's obvious the other party has forgotten about that promise, it's still my responsibility to fulfill my part of it
friendship isn't all about just fun and laughter
getting through all the fights and arguments is the hardest and most important part
the sun will be back after the storm
I'm waiting for my rainbow now:)

11:32 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSunday, July 15, 2012

why can't I ever fucking hold promises to myself?!
after what happened, promised that I won't let myself fall into the same kind of situations again and I promised that I would love myself and stop being so fucking despo
so?
what happened to all those promises huh?
what happened to controlling what I feel?
it's just so hard and the temptations are so fucking strong
but still, no excuses
fucking hate ppl who break promises
so I should just hate myself as well
fuck when will I ever learn man
no more means no more why do I always convince myself that it'll be the last?!???! it never is!!!
there'll always be repercussions and it'll be worse than the last
fuck la!
ok this is it
that'll seriously be the last time
one small thing always leads to something even more so no! I'm not gonna think that it's ok for the small thing to happen anymore
zero!
ZERO
I swear
no more!

1:13 PM Photobucket

making-sweetness


making-sweetnessFriday, July 6, 2012

fuck
to think I even tried to protect your name
thinking of all the excuses to give
defending you when ppl actually want to burn your house down
have you even thought for me?
I'm like just one of you many puppets right
just throw me aside once you're done
fuck and you still had the cheek to tell others
aren't you just a tad bit too heartless?
I was there for you
even if it's just for that short period of time
and I really thought you cared
but I guess I didn't really matter to you right from the very start huh

7:15 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessThursday, July 5, 2012

fuck this
and I thought I wouldn't be affected anymore
cause seeing you doesn't even matter
but wtf
after what I heard today
opinion of you totally changed man
fuck myself la
why so fucking dumb
there was no sort of hate for you even though I alr guessed the truth
but seriously? from the fucking start?!
fuck this I have no idea how I fell for it I must have been so fucking dumb
and you fucking tell ppl about it wtf
are you that much of a show off?
or are you so insecure about yourself that you have announce to the whole world what you did?!
never really thought of burning or whacking you or whatever ppl have been saying I should do
but after today, I feel like just walking straight up to you and slap your fucking face
don't even bother thinking about starting to talk to you anymore
cause it's totally not worth it man
such a fucktard like you should just burn in hell man
or better still, burn to death

so fucking pissed with myself
how did I even let it happen so easily?!
fuck la
I'm just so fucking agitated now I can't even think properly

and nothing is helping man! NOTHING!
not even after talking/ranting
it's just boils down to the same question: why did I let it happen?!?!?!?!??
mother fuck
I guess I would never forgive myself for this
fucking first time crying cause of the agitation instead of being sad
I fucking hate myself la
fuck beating myself up and crying nonstop now while I'm typing

ugh so angry it's getting to my head
I have no idea what I'm typing

11:45 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessThursday, June 28, 2012

sometimes, it's so hard to tell you what happened cause you're the very reason I'm mad
haiz don't even know why I'm getting so affected
and the reason is so freaking lame
i don't even understand myself anymore
what in the world is this man...

4:51 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessFriday, May 4, 2012

twitter isn't safe once again cause he just reads and relates every single fucking thing
but sometimes, i just need a place to rant man...
seriously, how do you expect me to tell you everything if you dont even reply?!
i would have somehow mentioned why i was so sad if we were still texting but nooo you decided to just stop and not reply for like what 2 hours?
do you know how much can actually happen in that 2 hours?!
and sometimes ppl just wont talk about it anymore after it actually happened
it's at that moment kind of thing
idk why im getting so worked up
why do i even care?
oh well i should be getting used to all these empty promises made anw

i'm just kind of demoralised now after getting back the results of 2 of my most confident subjects
and i didnt even get an A....
i know alot of ppl will just think i'm some bimbo trying to show off that i got B or C when the rest failed and stuff like that
but seriously, it is expected of me to get good grades now
it's so hard to be/feel sad about my grades because all my peers are getting grades so much worse and it'll be so fucking rude and insensitive to go like "omg i did so badly i got a B" when the rest are getting Us and Ss..
fuck all this shit la
then when ppl ask me for my grades, i dont even dare to say
not cause it's bad, but i dont wanna make them feel bad so i would just say i passed without specifying anything...
that feeling of keeping everything inside and not being able to show how i really feel
it really sucks yknow
it's like i can explode anytime

ok tonight's gonna be reflection night
funshion's not working so i cant distract myself
sleep is the next best thing

P.s idk what im typing
just anything that comes to mind

11:40 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessWednesday, November 9, 2011

ok OP is finally over!!!!!!! :D
was freaking scary la
normally during practices i will keep on moving around
but today i was just stuck at one spot cause my legs were freaking shaking and i was trying not to move HAHAHA
even sockhoon noticed
q&a sucked whats new
but the teachers are really very nice
asked me thrice
and the damn nice damn charming damn cute teacher ZOMG
mr adrian ong
remember this name for the next 2 years WHOO
HAHAHA

ok so now im super stressed
cause im going out with LOL tmr
and we're meeting only at 745?-.-
wth la
i have to be home by 12
by hook or by crook
i really dw to face her again
so we'll only be spending like 3 hours tgt?
like omg!
thats too little!!!!
and i keep on getting this feeling that something would go wrong
idk why also....
omg
pray hard tmr's gonna be okay

11:01 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessMonday, November 7, 2011

every year this time
i feel so...alone
it feels like i'm always surrounded by people
people who care
but it's always at times like this when i realise i dont have anyone to share this moment with

well since my own mother couldnt care less about it
i shouldnt be hoping so much
knew something like that would happen
i'm rude lor
i'm heartless lor
i dont care at all lor
whatever la
whatever you say
i seriously dont give a damn fuck anymore

just wish no one would bother me right now
had enough of your bullshit

and when you say im rude
pls go read about hosehbo and let me slap you before you fucking say that again tyvm

10:36 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSunday, October 30, 2011

what the flying fuck
i guess this is the safest place i can get to rant
fucking shit
and i thought you deleted fb
so didnt care much
but i knew something was wrong
so asked ho about it since he deleted fb before
wtf and i realised you fucking blocked me ?
wtf
was so fucking pissed brother made me go take a stroll with him
cause if i stay cooped at home i'll really explode
do you have to go to this extent?
seriously?
fuck you fucking win lor
wanna make me hate you?
ya you succeeded
idc if you're gonna only talk to me when you feel that im okay
i dont fucking have to listen to you
so gtfo of my life and stay out
cause im officially okay but im not gonna talk to you even if you do
tyvm

and wow i just realised it has been like 2 weeks
im getting better i swear
this is gonna be so fucking easy
seeing you in school doesnt even hurt that much anymore
ok good job girl
keep up the good work

seriously who am i kidding

9:48 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSunday, October 16, 2011

knew it would end like this
what am i hoping for?
idk why but i just cant bring myself to hate you
you had fun and now you're just giving all this up
you're scared
am i not scared?
fuck you'll never know if you dont try right
and i thought it was me
i thought i did something wrong
you made me look like an idiot for the past week
so if i never got to you, i'll never know
i want to say just fuck off and get out of my life
but i cant do it
cause i need you
but i guess i dont mean that much to you anymore

i cant believe after all we've been through
after everything i've told you
you just walked out on me
you just give up
it's hard to completely stop caring after so much time has been invested
it hurts to just give it all up
when you start blaming me, think about how hard i tried and how you didnt give a shit
i just thought that you should know that i've been holding on while you've been letting go

8:19 PM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessSaturday, October 1, 2011

if you dont want change, dont do anything to change it
maybe taking a break is good
makes me think about what i really want
and for now?
all i want is to promote
and nothing else
yup its tempting but i do have some self-pride left inside me

its hard to act like nothing happened
its hard to continue smiling even though it fucking hurts
its hard to act like i dont give a damn
well, i give a fuck lot
just that you dont realise it
sometimes, i think that its actuallly true when they say they can never understand girls
im just not good at letting all my emotions out

ok 1 more week
i can do this
stop thinking about irrelevant stuff
STUDY BITCH

9:41 PM Photobucket

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and we're just gonna act like it never happened
guys are all the same
gonna just fuck myself up with studying
kthxbai

12:41 AM Photobucket

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making-sweetnessFriday, September 30, 2011

just came back from breaking down session with myself on the 25th floor
the seaview there is superb
and the breeze is even more amazing
i can just stare into the horizon and reflect about life
the view up there is the best thing that happened to me today
gonna go there regularly from now on (Y)

7:28 PM Photobucket

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