好朋友只是朋友 还是朋友 不能够占有
好朋友疯狂以后 就一个人走 无所求
好朋友只是朋友 只能保留 一点点温柔我知道什么时候回头 不打扰你的自由
waow
it's been 2 whole years
what have I achieved these 2 years?
idk.. knowledge? self-discipline? my own voice?
no nothing
I went one whole big round to become the same person that I was 3 years ago
the same stupid me with zero self discipline and a voice that I can't even hear myself sometimes
idk
I thought it was over
I was so confident it was over
but why did I have to send that happy birthday text
how did I manage to drown myself so much in self denial that I can forget about everything and believe that it'll be okay
because nothing is okay
I thought it was just familiarity
I thought it was just being comfortable
but it's more than that
and now I finally realised what happened 3 years ago
why didn't I try harder
why did I let him go
my life is like a fucking ironic drama
timing is a bitch and she's just laughing so hard at me right now
I know
I've asked all I wanted to know
but did I really want to hear the answers
it's just making me feel more terrible
all the missed opportunities, forgone chances, and wasted efforts
it's making me feel like I just wasted 3 years of my life achieving nothing
now that I know the answers
what can I do about it
nothing
because nothing's the same anymore
everything has changed
oh wait not everything
I'm still as stupid
still unable to control what happens
still letting the temptation get the better of me
why can't I just give it up
a straight and strong no
no no no no no no no no no no
a million times
but the heart
the damned heart
it's always a yes for the fucking heart
and he knows
and he uses it against me
I couldn't help it
I'd let my feelings win
again
and he won
again
they say I think too much
well I stopped thinking
I stopped thinking of how much I'll regret it
I lived in the moment
and you know what that brings you?
not some YOLO fun
just misery
pure misery and I feel just like death
it's creeping up on me bit by bit eating at my soul, my thoughts, my entirety
how can you not think
it was just wrong
there was no right in anything that I did
and I should be ashamed
thoroughly disappointed at myself
fuck this